There is an old saying that goes something like this: never assume, for when you do, you make an ass out of you and me. There is a lot of truth to that statement. Assumptions are ill advised in many scenarios. They are certainly to be avoided in personal relationships.
By their nature, assumptions are educated guesses based on current information. But they are not facts. More importantly, the information used to make assumptions is rarely complete. It may or may not even be accurate. Making assumptions based on false information only leads to trouble.
Getting back to personal relationships, here are five reasons assumptions are bad for them:
They Are Often Treated as Fact
At the top of the list is the realization that assumptions are often treated as facts by those who make them. Maybe Mary assumes that John is cheating on her. In Mary’s mind, it is not just a possibility. Her assumption has pretty much cemented in her mind that he is guilty.
The mind has a funny way of doing that sort of thing. An assumption may start out as a suspicion only to become undeniable fact in a person’s mind. That is what makes assumptions so destructive to relationships.
They Lead to Unrealistic Expectations
We all approach our relationships with certain expectations. Husbands expect certain things from their wives and vice-versa. Parents expect certain things from the kids. Even the relationship you have with your boss has expectations attached to it.
According to the therapists at Relationships & More in Westchester County, NY, assumptions can lead to unrealistic expectations. Your assumptions about your spouse can lead you to expect certain things from them even if those expectations are unreasonable. The same goes for your spouse.
They Can Lead to Accusations
Next up, assumptions are especially dangerous for couples already struggling because they can lead to accusations. If one assumes that the other is guilty of something in particular, it is a short step from assumption to accusation. And once accusations start to fly, partners begin hurting one another.
They Can Encourage Shutting Down
If you are on the receiving end of an assumption, what is your natural response? Some people get defensive. Others shut down. Still others do both. They begin by defending themselves and ultimately shut down when that defense doesn’t yield the desired results.
Any marriage counselor can tell you that shutting down is not healthy. Couples cannot work out their differences if one or both shut down emotionally. Healthy relationships require openness. They require transparency. Neither one is possible when partners are shutting down.
They Can Lead to Self-Righteousness
The last reason assumptions are bad for relationships is the fact that they can lead to self-righteousness. This may be the most damaging effect assumptions have on relationships. If one or both partners begin to feel self-righteous, it becomes that much easier to project moral or ethical failure on the other person.
Going back to Mary and John for a second, Mary’s assumptions can make her feel morally superior to John. After all, she would never cheat on him. As soon as one partner starts feeling self-righteous, the other partner can do no right. It becomes a slippery slope that is very difficult to recover from.
The lesson in all of this is to avoid assumptions. No matter how tempting they might be, assumptions are bad for relationships. The only lead to trouble. If you don’t know something to be true in your relationships, do not assume. Seek to know the truth. The relationship will be better off for it.
